How much to clean my apartment? (and other things that chap my ass)

Seriously folks. If I could cross my fingers, wish on a star, click my ruby slippers, or snap off the big end of a wishbone, and wake up to a fully scrubbed, shiny & dust-free abode...well, I'd do just about anything.

Is it just me or do things in NYC get filthily dirty overnight? I don't mean a little dust either. I mean MEGA black silty dirt that covers your TV and interferes with your cell phone coverage.

And, why are closets more precious than gold here? Don't landlords realize that New Yorkers have constant exposure to dollar store temptations, Chinatown turtle pets, and free daily newspapers? Not to mention storing the heaps of umbrella skeletons left from wind/rain/snow/and battles with bad-umbrella-carrying pedestrians.

Why is it almost impossible to save a hundred buckaroos? How is it that as soon as you leave your apartment, $20 magically floats away from your wallet? It doesn't matter what you buy: Breakfast? TWENTY DOLLAS! Movie? TWENTY DOLLAS! Bad sandwich and a Coke? TWENTY DOLLAS! Cross-town taxi? TWENTY DOLLAS! Happy hour beers? TWENTY DOLLAS! Oh, you'd like to donate blood? That'll be TWENTY DOLLAS!

And, for the love of god, can someone pleeease explain to me why cabs switch over at 4:00 PM? Could the Taxi & Limousine Commission pick a worse time for hundreds of medallions to go "off duty" and make their way up to the Bronx?

If anyone has any brilliant ideas or answers to these mind-fracking questions, please, please, please enlighten me. I dare you.